The Postscript.... Normality and Conformity...

I'M BACK!!! Back from wherever I was and resuming the straight and narrow road to where I was going before I was gone... Does that make sense? I think it does... Anyways, back to the subject at hand. Point is, where is that road and where does it lead to. According to popular culturally disgustingly forced beliefs and interpretations, the road to being a good human being is to grow up a model student, fuck around for a while till you hit your twenties, fall in love or not, just get married, have a bunch of kids, work like a dog, put food on the table - hunter gatherer style - and live the life of self inflicted misery in a way or another and most importantly pretend like everything is peachy as peachy can be! Impressive. Really, really mind boggling from where I stand, and where I stand most people find abnormal. Define normal. Normal as I see it applied in everyday life is be part of the majority. If you are part of the majority then you are accepted. When you're accepted you're normal. Again, does it make any fuckin' sense. I see friends of mine who have reached a point of self hypocrisy that is beyond belief to me. Insisting that all is good, all is cool, all is under control, when the truth could not be farther. Back to the part of majority and normal and all that. I think I can say with a very high level of certainty that I am most definitely part of the minority. The ones who choose to do it like its supposed to be done, in my book at least. I choose to live my own life and be happy with it. Bringing all the added pressure in is bullshit, I have enough of that already. The everyday rat race. The never ending pursuit of happiness, unattainable as it may seem, it is there and is beautiful. It lies in the mere simplicity of the thing. Going about it day in and day out without the unnecessary cosmetics applied on a daily basis by some, if not most. I find it beautiful being free, having someone who I love, truly love and who loves me back and being together in our own way of being together. She knows who she is and knows that she is it. The beauty of it is doing it our own way. Yes we are part of the rat race. Yes we are stressed at times. Yes we have bills to pay. Yes I have to put the food on the table. The only difference is doing it our own way, at our own pace. Not at the pace demanded of us, exemplified in the never dying question of 'So, you shootin' blanks or what boy? Where's the kid? WE WANT A GRANDSON!'. Catch is, that's four or five months into the union, more commonly known as the 'marriage'. Where did the concept of chillin' and taking it as it is and being content go. Probably got stuck under some socialite's cosmetically enhanced ass stuffed in bed cause she's too hungover from her 'little' party her husband threw the night before! I'm losing it....

Cutting the Shit and Getting Real....

About time to stop being the big baby that I am and get my shit together and get back to reality. Been a while since I managed to do that but this time I guess its for real. I mean, seriously, what more could happen? Addicted, dead and came back more than once, arrested quite a few times, bad liver, arm nearly chopped off twice, accidents, horrific shit that you only see in a fuckin action flick. A bad ine at that. Well, I've lived that action flick all the way till the end. Now it's time to start another flick, a real one that actually means something to me. I'm really not trying to prove anything to anyone but me. I need, not want, to prove myself better than I think I am for once in my forsaken existence, otherwise known as a life. There was no life, it was a joke. Going through the motions everyday, realizing nothing, comprehending nothing, understanding nothing and doing nothing. What life? Waking up in the morning and the first thought that comes to mind is do I have or have not? And both ways, it was fucked. I have, great. Do it and get some more. If not, get some more. Pretty disgusting when I look at it now, going through life like a fuckin' wrecking ball, demolishing the very existence of people close to me and of course, me in the process. It doesn't matter now. Fixating on the past doesn't put food on the table or a roof above my head. It's a lost cause, what was. It's all about what is and what will be. I don't know what will happen. When, how, why, where or any of that bullshit. I just know it's me that chooses to get the ball rolling. Living and letting live. Selfishness is a trait I've had forever. Ever since I was a baby and up till now when I'm a big baby! Just for everyday, I'm moving on to bigger and better things. No looking back on what was or could have been. Fuckin' pointless. Reality is a bitch to deal with, but I know one thing, it's gonna be one hell of a ride...

Moving On...

I've been hearing these two words from someone who is very dear to me and honestly.... I've had it with them. I have had it with them so bad that I'm taking moving on to a whole new level. The futility of sorrow and pain is apparent now more than ever. Then what? Life doesn't stop or the world will not discontinue to revolve around the fuckin sun. It doesn't end there, it begins there. Earlier I was pretty pissed off about some two bit jive ass skanky whore, who I hope is reading this, taking about me in a very interesting manner. Singing all that jazz about how I'm a junkie, useless son of a bitch, abuser, dependant and honestly, I can't blame her. She's a good girl but that's her personality. She's who she is and that's that. That's me and I'm seeking to change, operative words here being 'seeking to change'. I used to think that the punishment should fit the crime and that life is being totally unjust to me and to what I did. I hurt someone, sure. I messed up a life, definitely. I don't deserve this? Hell yes I do! It's a lesson and an important one and I have taken it up the ass and so I've learnt. Doing things with my own head and not listening is not the right way to go and making decisions when completely blind from the obvious gifts I had in my life was a big mistake. I got on my knees, like someone told me but 'It's too late', someone else told me. I respect it and understand it and no matter how hard of a time I have accepting it don't mean shit. It's reality and push is coming to shove and I'm gonna be there, no bending over, no breaking, no tears. Regrets I will always have, but might as well stick em up my ass cause they ain't doing me any damn good. Other than that, the jive I get every day has finally kicked in. Let's move on and get the ball rolling. Doesn't mean the feelings aren't there. Doesn't mean that I will ever forget or stop feeling how I feel. Just move on and let someone up there handle it for a change. I've been clinging on to the same sick, twisted remnants of my old me and I'm sick of it. Now it's time to really move on and show me that I am not who I used to be anymore. Anyone else can watch if they choose, but that's it. Everybody expects the junkie to stick the needle in his arm out of sheer self pity and loathing. But not anymore. Until an hour ago I was that weak and that lame to go on that course of action. But, damn! The effect some words can have on a person after getting drilled in them for a while. It's life changing shit. The buck stops here and let's......move on!

Comparisons

I can't help but give myself a big ass pat on the back at this point in time. It is amazing how well another is so well read to someone that knows him/her. Strange but true. Putting other's people's experiences as a benchmark to success or failure is in itself a failure. Looking at how the other did it and saying that if it happened to them, then it will happen to us in the exact same way is not exactly the best way to go. My worst fear has become a reality. That a decision has been based on someone's else's reality. No two people are alike. No experience is the same. No repeat scenarios happen. One's reality is the other's fantasy.... But even then a fundamental point presents itself. Look at that other life if you choose, look at the agony that other went through. The self inflicted suffering that occured and try to avoid it. The end result was good for the others but disregarding the amount of pain they suffered to get to where they are now seems like a mistake. I mean, if you're gonna look at a picture and wish it applies to you, why not look at the whole picture and spare yourself a lot of unnecessary pain? Just a thought, that's all...

The Talent...

Functioning on probably eight hours of sleep in the past two, three days is kicking in. I cant sleep, especially with the news I got today which was not very pleasant, life has turned into something of a rotten tomato. Can't do anything about it anymore. It's gone. The one thing that truly meant something is gone for good. It's a talent I have, a gift from the man upstairs... Losing things which mean everything to me. Undeniably, everything that was of value to me I have found someway of destroying. Consciously, subconsciously, whatever. Point is, it's gone and gone for good I think. Kept pushing it till it broke. I guess that's what you get when you get off junk and pursue the road to living. I guess it's sort of normal. I was out of it for so long, I never even knew it existed. So many things happened during that time. People were born, people died, people got married, people were happy, people were sad. I was dead and walking. Woke up to this amazing thing called life and was like this fuckin' maniac who had never got a taste of it before. I wanted it so bad and missed it, I lost sight of what counts in it. Misjudged, miscalculated, don't really make a difference. I lost the only person that was there for me all the way. And when I eventually returned to the state of existence that is relatively normal, I was judged solely on my actions before. Not now. Now doesn't really matter. It's what I done pre now that matters. Except that this wasn't even me, but it doesn't matter. Each has an outlook on things and it is to be respected, especially when the mess originated from yours truly. My mistake, our mistake, your mistake. So what? Doesn't make a difference now and won't change anything. What's done is done. The books have been written and the ink is dry. It's over for that chapter of life. Can you really pick up where you left off after a while and keep living? I see dead people forgotten after they're buried. Sick people felt pity for for the first couple of months of their illness and then forgotten. It's the same here I guess, only worse cause the person is still alive, so nothing is really wrong, so live and let live would be the order of the day. The occasional phone call or message would eventually happen, then what? For me? No idea. Don't think so though. There are some things a person can never forgive himself for and this is one of them. How I wish things were different, happened different, what if? That's fantasy. It's done and the regret is there and is never going away, knowing that once again in this pathetic little existence of mine I successfully managed to lose the thing that meant the most to me.

The Power Trip...

What is it about power being the equivalent of morphine in the realm of human consciousness? It's strikes me as a bit funny when I look at it now. Back in the day, I remember these strange decisions I made when I had the power to hurt someone or cause some damage. I did! Never even thought twice about it or looked in retrospect or all that jazz. Just did it and moved on with my life. I never knew what it felt like until very recently. I mean, sure I felt it in work, day to day life and so on but never in real life, where it hurts the most....with someone you care about. Last of these episodes I remember clearly, having the upper hand over someone very dear to me. Someone I cherished and still do cherish and will cherish no matter what. That said, I messed up that person's life and there's nothing more I can do about it. Thing is, now I regret that so damn much and it kills. The essence of it is quite simple actually. Decisions that are made in a state of power induced high are not the correct ones mostly. They feel reasonably acceptable at the time but as time wears off and the days go on and on and life does its thing, two things are bound to happen. Either the regret kicks in...heavily or you just throw it behind your back and move on. Personally, I've come to regret it.... I sincerely Hope you don't....

The Loser

There's this cat I know, known him all my life actually. Don't really like him very much but I sure can empathize. Cat's been raised in a great home, perfect childhood - a fuckin' model home and all. He's all that or more accurately thinks he's all that. Maybe it's all the junk got pushed into his system, maybe it's his no regard for consequences attitude, maybe a lot of things. Sure thing is, he is a loser in all manners of life. Examples vary and are many. The cat had over fifteen jobs in highly prestigious places but could not manage to stay there for a period of one year in any of them. Fuckin' hilarious. Dig this, the boy is practically friendless, jobless, dependant on others, a junkie and that's not even scratching the surface. He's been around me since forever. I saw him throughout all his phases of growth. I've seen him rise and fall. Bend over to life and stare it in the eyes and not flinch. One thing I noticed about him though, his timing has always been off. I mean, it's happened to me too in one way or another, having bad judgement, but him....whoa! He has this knack for fucking up and expecting things to magically fall into place with him. For losing everything that means anything in his pathetic existence. For consequences to whizz on by like the wind, not touching him, scathing him or hurting him. Life did actually go that way for some time and he grew more and more confident. He went higher and higher, grew bigger and bigger. He actually managed to become a wrathful, soul less tyrant who destroyed everything in his path. Foundation equaled zero. Bullshit, a perfect ten. How the mighty have fallen, my my.... It's no surprise though. We spoke about it earlier today and he gets it finally. He gets the inevitability of fate and karma. He gets that there are consequences. He gets that no matter how confident you are, at a certain time the fall is unavoidable. He gets the saying what goes around comes around. He gets a lot of things he chose to ignore and compartmentalize as trivialities. He is a person I have come to know and have come to love. Is he about to change what he is? Maybe. Is a person changeable? No idea. Is he about to find out? Shit ya, he is... I wish him all the best in his quest. He made a decision to be who he really is. Though he can't really express it to me, he is a good person deep down inside. Good in many ways. Kind, generous, understanding are a few of the qualities that he was always told he had. He has a million flaws and he knows it. I respect him for what he is and what he may or may never become. Alone and useless to anyone else, he is the very person you would not want to be or be with. Good luck man. With whatever you do with your life, the fact that you know yourself is enough. Alone or not.... you will make it. A friend of ours always tells you, 'I know you will be great someday...'. I know that too.... My apologies to him for writing about him in this way but I had to. To him I say, I'm not writing this to lift up your spirits or to get people to sympathize or to empathize. It's just that you are an example to me of struggling with life on its own terms and not expecting others to support you in any way. You always quoted that famous William Burroughs piece, 'They knew the pointlessness of complaining or moving. They knew that basically no one can help anyone else. There is no key, no secret someone else has that he can give you.'. It is indeed every man for himself. That said, act accordingly...

That's Life...

Never thought I would feel like I do right now. Empty! That would describe it accurately I think. This whole concept I had on decision making is no more. It's pretty safe to say I have made quite a few mistakes with someone very special to me. No way I can do anything about. That junk ridden life led has caught up with me. Bit me in the ass as expected. Nothing surprising there I guess. I'm looking for a chance but maybe it's just a bit too late for it. A learning experience? I guess. Did I learn the lesson? Most definitely. There's no big secret here. It's just life on its own messed up terms.

Planning.... Really?

Mike Tyson.... Not the smartest of individuals to roam the planet, but it seems that the pearls of wisdom are always coming out of the asses of fruitcakes, hmmm... Anyways, the man bit someone's ear off, raped a minor, went to jail not once, but twice... Granted, he's an animal... I disagree... 'Every boxer has a plan.... until he's hit!'. This is something Mike Tyson said before and it hit a nerve somewhere deep down inside. Don't know why it did though. Maybe it's cause I've never been a planner. Maybe it's cause I see people planning and planning and planning some more and see it all going to shit at one point or another, I don't know. Thinking about the future and the past and trying to make heads or tails of it, forecasting where one's life will be in five years and all that... It just doesn't work... I get asked that stupid question in every interview I go to, and the answer is always the same.... How the hell should I know.... I mean, I would love to be a CEO, own a yacht, house, fifteen cars. I'm only human... but how the hell whould I know where I'll be in years and years to come. The irony of it, which was totally lost upon me, is that we think too much of the future and never of the present that we lose complete touch with the now. It might sound philosopical and shit, but it's very true. What about now? This moment? The things happening all around and inside... Completely disregarded and discarded, all for the higher purpose of 'planning' and several never to be answered what ifs... Do your thing and step back and let the man upstairs decide... It's easier, more peaceful, simpler and most definitely less painful...

Hancock vs. Superman

Someone was telling me about that movie, Hancock and it struck me as pretty fuckin' funny. Without even seeing it, the 'Hero', Hancock is a recovering alcoholic with super powers. A man after my own heart! The idea of the boozed up superhero is as exciting as any and pretty much easy for me, and others like me, to relate to than relating to a bozo like Superman. I mean, for fucks sake... Superman. The cat's all proper and shit with these superhuman powers and apparently super principles, if such a thing really exists. Pretty fuckin' lame! Acting all proper and shit all the time no matter which persona he's assuming, like a titanium wedge got stuck up his ass, permanently making him right and proper. Hancock, now that's another deal. He's a cat who's kickin' it, having a ball while he's at it and going through all the ups and downs of his moral defects. The man goes to meetings and all that jazz and he is recovering and when he manages to save the world of whatever by the hand of some evil psychopath, I can say with a lot of conviction, despite not seeing the movie, that he does it with a bang.... with finesse and in a way probably cooler, funnier, more exciting, lamer, sicker and more demented than your average superhero!! Now that's cool shit. On the other end of the super spectrum comes Mr. Superman, looking all bright and shiny in his blue and red wetsuit with a cape that seems to have been stuck to him since back in the day when he was still a thought in his parents' minds. Ta ta ta ta taaaaaa.... and the world is saved from Lex Luthor and his evil schemes. Apologies to all Superman fans....... but it's just another croc of shit. You're probably wondering where all this jive is going and what the end result of the ramblings of this raging lunatic are trying to prove. It all comes down to the ability to relate and to be related to. You see, it's pretty hard for me to relate to normal people, all the little bo peeps of the world and their Clark Kents. Its hard cause that just ain't me. I'm a fuckin' headcase and I love it! I don't understand the normal thought process cause I never had one in my life. It was always pretty motherfuckin' twisted in some form or the other. That said, I don't expect you to relate to me either or follow this note till the end and come out with anything less than I am a fucked in the head fruitcake. The others, on the other hand, probably get it. Lovin' it or not, they get it, and that in itself is good enough for me.